


I'm Not Okay

by lameusername



Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: Happy Ending, Homophobia, M/M, Self Harm, Suicide, soul mates
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-06
Updated: 2015-09-06
Packaged: 2018-04-19 10:39:02
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,975
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4743233
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lameusername/pseuds/lameusername
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"You're my soul mate and you don't want me"</p>
<p>In a world where you start finally seeing color when you meet your soulmate it usually is a great experience when you meet the one. </p>
<p>Then Luke met Michael.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I'm Not Okay

**Author's Note:**

> So hey this is the second piece I've written here it took me a long time to write all of this and I'm finally happy with it. Hmu on tumblr michaelsbald.tumblr.com

"You're my soul mate and you don't want me"

The words from my mouth spilt angry and bitter as I watched his face contort. "You don't know for sure we're soul mates" he said as if trying to reassure him self he was being sane or making the right choice.

"Well I don't know the fact that we can both can see color now should give us something" I said feeling my eyes well up. "It's just that- fuck, I can't be- I'm not gay" he said looking at me in the eye. "You're such a liar" I responded back. "i can't be not me I'm sorry but just not me."

"Go fuck yourself you selfish asshole"

That was when Luke was 20. His soulmate had been 21 and the year had been 2010 and for some reason his soul mate had been homophobic. It was crazy even back then people had problems with it. He had tried to move on but it didn't work and he knew why. That was his one and only soul mate. 

Luke travelled a lot. Each place he went he usually ended up getting drunk. It was a horrible self destructive habit but it numbed him out enough to fool himself into thinking he was okay. "I'm not okay" he murmured out. The person who was sitting next to him some how heard. "What's wrong kid, haven't found your soulmate yet, getting depressed about the whole color thing or something?" The man asked. Luke looked at him. "Id give everything to not know what color is" was his response.

On his travels He had watched countless people meet their one and only. Soul mates the whole system really seemed to be a joke on him. See the light in their eyes opposed to fear see the joy and loving embraces instead of a shove and a good bye. Luke was heartbroken his life felt empty. He had considered fucking killing himself just to feel something. 

 

It was the night in 2011 he was at his weakest when the best thing happened. He had been at some bar and some local band was playing. He was gonna do it. He had just enough in him to make him think and to over think and to want and to be empty all at the same time. He walked out stumbling determined to find the nearest something to throw himself off of or inject him self with when he heard it. There was a fight going on by some Van. Once he looked hard enough he realized it had been the band that was playing inside. He stood awkwardly to the side as he watched one guy storm off and the guy he had been arguing with sink down pressing his hands to his head. "Fuck" he cried out. Luke not fully knowing what he was doing walked over. "Hey you alright" he asked. The guy on the ground looked up. "The only person I know who plays guitar just fucking left our band and ended my only chance at this dream so excuse me if I'm not ok" he said bitterly. "I play guitar" Luke murmured. The guy sat and looked up at him. "You're lucky I'm desperate" 

Come 2015 they were a hit in the underground. The rest of the guys in the band had been together as a group for 4 years when Luke stumbled in. The guy on the ground was named Gerard way and was the vocalist. Their drummers name was Ashton Irwin and the Bassist's name was Matt kean. Each of the guys were phenomenal musicians that accepted Luke with open( given they were desperate) arms. They knew his story. They knew his sexuality. They supported him. 

The fans loved him and while they didn't know what happened they could pretty much figure it out. After all every single song Luke wrote was about him. All the anger desperation sadness unrequited love shown through. Although he was happy and in a far better place he was still left with an emptiness. Surly enough as time went on everyone in the band had met their someone and were blessed with color. They all were happily together with occasional issues but happy all the same. So here they were playing warped tour, for the second year Luke would add. Each day he got to go onstage and play to hundreds of kids and scream occasionally. 

"Hey MTV and welcome to my crib" Luke joked to the interviewer Bryan on his bus. It wasn't the first interview so they had fallen into a comfortable hang out kind of vibe for it. "So Luke tell us how does it feel to be the most wanted man in America" Bryan said smiling pointing the microphone at him. Gerard saw the falter in Luke's person so drew attention to himself, it was a system they had. "Sorry Bryan but I feel like that's me" he said waving his hand in the air. This caused all of them to laugh. "So moving on to some actual questions here what Disney princess would you be." Bryan asked with a straight face causing Luke to giggle "oh I definitely think Gerard is Ariel" he said. Gerard sat up indignantly "I am most definitely not Ariel I'm fucking belle" Luke shook his head. The interview carried on and Bryan was wrapping it up when he asked the final question. 

"So the fans are curious what was meeting your soul mate like?" He asked Gerard, and when he said that Gerard's eyes lit up and Luke's head started to spin. And Gerard launched on the story of how he had met his wife he had told a thousand times at least all about how the first color he saw was in her eyes. Bryan than turned to Luke "got anything to add?" He asked Luke bit his lip. "Going back to the Disney princess thing lets just say I'm Ana and my soulmate really was Hans" and with that he stopped talking and Bryan nodded his head. After the interview wrapped up they had to go perform. Once they got up there they launched into their first song which was angry, mostly screaming from Luke. 

Michael watched that interview. It was five years later from when they first met and he regretted nothing more. He had tried so hard to get the blond out of his head. But then he had to go and make fucking awesome music. After he had met Luke he slowly realized his mistake. Or More Like it him in the face when he figured out what he actually did. His mom almost broke his neck when he told her the story. She screamed at his stupidity and almost disowned him before she realized that him acting like that was because he didn't think she was ok with that. That whole thing lead to a couple family therapy sessions, and Michael's education on sexuality. And here he was in 2015 hating himself for what he did. All he wanted to do was find him and tell him he was sorry even if he wouldn't take him back, at least apologize. 

Michael was drunk when it happened. The whole interview process was a mess but somehow he ended up working at epitaphs records as a song writer/ audio engineer. He was working on a mix for some band when he was told he was gonna be writing with some band called downfall the next day. So he had gone home and looked them up. That's how he ended up finding him again. The beautiful blue eyes staring at him through his computer as he heard the pain he had caused. 

To be fair soul mates had always been a tricky system. Homophobia had erupted from same sex soul mates decreasing almost becoming a rarity in the past. It was still horrible the things some people would do so deranged with hate they wouldn't accept the naturalness of soul mates. That's what Michael had done, rejected his soulmate during a horrible time filled with hate. So now he sat drunk again because tomorrow he would be working with the soulmate he pushed away.

Luke woke up excited. Today Gerard and him were going into the studio to write and produce with a new person. He didn't know much about the guy but he had heard great things about him from other bands. "He's a phenomenal writer has a lot of pain so the stuff he does is really emotional" is what Caleb from beartooth. Luke already had an idea and riff and had hashed out the main lyrics "I'm not okay" which was exactly how he felt at the time he had thought well rather said them at the time. He grimaced at the memory and pushed it aside. 

Showering, doing his hair, and getting dressed he was ready to go. He wasn't eating today. He sometimes did that. He knew it was fucked up, knew it was wrong. But dammit sometimes it felt right to torture himself. His black skinny jeans hugged his legs tightly, too tight, he swore they were looser when he bought them. His top was sleeveless and slightly loose but the top caught his shoulders just so and it made him sick to his stomach. He stared at himself in the mirror. Adjusting his snap back and sunglasses he hated it. It hurt to say. Sometimes it wasn't bad he could forget. But days like today he couldn't.

His phone went off snapping him out of it. It was Gerard telling him he was here to pick him up. Nodding his head to some unheard beat he grabbed his keys and left, locking the door behind him.

Michael sat idly tapping away at keys on his laptop wasting time. He was sitting in the studio on the couch were most of the writing usually took place for him. He was about to chicken out. What if this wasn't good what if he wasn't meant to be with Luke after all what if Luke couldn't forgive him. He was standing up just as the door opened. "Michael's right in here feel free to tell us if you need anything" 

The first guy to walk in was Gerard the lead singer, Michael had seen enough about him to know his face. Then he walked in. He didn't look him in the eyes at first no he was looking at his feet but then Luke brought his blue eyes up to meet his. He was gorgeous as beautiful as last time. He was a lot skinner now though which pained Michael he could also make out marks on his arms which absolutely killed him. 

Luke was first confused and then he realized in an instant. It was him. He who looked so beautiful and perfect still. He who left him in a bar at 3 am when they realized they could see color and were soul mates. The guy who everything was about. The person who rejected and left him. Almost immediately he decided how he would react. He was gonna pretend he didn't know. That he didn't recognize him. At the same time thoughts he usually repressed sprung up.

Why didn't he love me?  
Why did he leave?  
Why did he not want me?

Almost on autopilot he found himself holding out his hand to shake. "Nice to meet you Michael I've heard a lot of great things about your writing" he said in a stable tone. Michael's jaw dropped he shook his head but brought up his hand to meet lukes. "That's always good to hear" he said with a disappointed expression. Gerard looked between the two knowing something was off but couldn't put his finger on it. 

"So I heard you already had an idea for a song I didn't get a chance to really look at that email until about an hour ago but I liked the song, really uh painful stuff, I guess but the riff was really nice" Michael said sitting on the couch "so let's get started"

About three hours later the song was finished and they had decided to start working on another one when Michael piped up. "I'm kind of hungry do you guys wanna order anything or something" Lukes head shot up at this and he almost looked panicked but Gerard put a hand on his arm. "Yeah is pizza ok?" Gerard replied. "Sounds great" Michael said back. "Ok there's a place down the street I can go get them and be right back" Gerard said getting up. Michael threw a 20 his way to chip in. "What am I a stripper?" Gerard asked causing the other two boys to laugh. Then he walked out unknowingly leaving the two soul mates alone. 

The whole time they had been civil at best which was difficult considering how vulnerable the lyrics they were writing are. Michael shook his head he should do it now at least apologize. "How about them sports teams?" He asked first as a joke trying to make conversation to the boy who pretending to not know him. Luke still didn't answer and was looking at something on his phone. 

Michael sighed. "I'm sorry" he said trying to put as much meaning into the words as possible. Lukes eyes slowly raised to meet his. He cocked an eyebrow. "Oh you're so sorry now aren't you fucking five years later when I'm successful you're sorry" he said back rudely looking on the verge of tears. Michael blinked not expecting the outburst. "Yes I'm sorry but I don't want to use you I swear I'm not a total douchbag-" he was cut off from a glare from Luke when he said that but continued anyway "I don't even expect your forgiveness to be honest you deserve better than me so much more and I regret nothing more than doing that and I've wanted to say this for years now but I can only really say I'm sorry" Michael said looking at him. 

"Yeah we'll keep saying you're sorry" and with that Luke got up and left. Twenty minutes later Gerard appeared, once Michael had told him what happened Gerard cursed him out and ran looking for Luke.

"You say sorry you're just toying with my head honestly you want me dead" Luke sang into the mic before grabbing his guitar and playing the riff.

It was another year later the song they had written with Michael had been a huge success "I'm Not Okay" had gone gold and the music video had over a million views. Each song they did after was even more emotionally filled by Luke. It killed him to play the song daily on their current world tour with Bring Me The Horizon. But he did it anyway and each night he lived with a constant reminder of Michael. The past year had been hard for Luke, the day the song was written and Luke had stormed out Gerard had found him bleeding out and had gotten him to a hospital just in time. The band glossed over it not wanting to discuss it publicly but the story still got out anyway. But he had survived. They were playing the last show of the entire tour in LA the entire backstage crawling with important people here for bring me and downfall. Luke was nervous to say the least. The whole set had gone flawlessly it wasn't until the end of the last song that it had happened. He passed out onstage. And wasn't waking up the whole place was a mob trying to get him into an ambulance. It was such a mess that no one noticed the blond boy in the corner of the ambulance as they hooked Luke up to oxygen after giving him cpr and trying to figure out just what happened. The whole band was at the hospital Gerard and Ashton were crying but trying not too while Matt was trying to convince the nurse to tell them what was happening. It wasn't until five minutes later after all the chaos had faded that Gerard noticed Michael.

"You , how dare you. Who the fuck do you think you are?" Gerard accused. "You're the reason he's like this" Gerard said before pulling him into a hug. "You need to be together" he said surprising Michael. "His whole head is so warped that no one loves him cause his soul mate rejected him. His family fuck you don't even know about his family just take care of him he needs you wether he wants you" Gerard stated solemnly to Michael who nodded in response. 

About an hour later the doctor came out and spoke to the boys. Luke was anorexic and his body had failed on him. The band nodded and Michael sat shocked. "He's awake now but he's slightly delirious keeps asking for a Michael. Anyone can go visit currently but they have to sign in with the nurse. Ashton's head turned towards Michael's "Go" to which Michael did just that. He went in to the room and Luke was looking out the window. "I'm not okay" Luke mumbled slowly when he saw Michael. Michael nodded still crying despite himself. He walked over to the bed and sat in the chair and took Luke's hand. "Please don't leave" they both said in unison. Looking at each other with wide eyes Michael spoke up "Not ever again you're my soulmate and I want to be with you so badly if you'll have me" he said sincerely. "Are you giving me the power to reject you?" Luke asked with a giggle. "Cause I'm not gonna do that"

"The sky's aren't so dark anymore and now I know I'll be ok even if it pours" Luke screamed out before jumping up on a speaker and shredding through a solo. It was another year later, he was finally ok. It had been a slow process and this time everybody knew he even did a whole about it just to reassure people he didn't even known cared that he was ok. He was finally happy and nothing could change that.

Michael stood off stage watching his beautiful boyfriend living his dream. He couldn't believe he almost had let this slip away. It had been so difficult at first but it was all worth it. Luke didn't even trust him completely until about 5 months ago when he had started crying in the middle of the night and woke him up to tell him everything. All about how he actually met Gerard, what he did after they first met, about his family, what happened after the second time they met, his whole struggle with accepting himself and not feeling wanted. Michael had held him through it and started crying as it went on. There was not a single day he didn't regret the first day they met. But there was not a single day he didn't fall more in love with this boy. 

He woke up to a pair of beautiful blue eyes and when he was on tour he got an essay length text everyday as well as a FaceTime call to just talk. Luke was so happy now it was easy to see. Fans of downfall wrote Michael everyday first they cursed him out cause no doubt they could figure out what basically happened the first time they met. But then they saw Luke and how happy he was and they anger turned to love. Each day hundred of kids tweeted him asking about Luke and their future. And Luke was loving it. 

The show always went too fast and soon Luke was off stage in front of Michael wrapping his arms around you. "I love you so much" he said tears mixing with sweat as he burrowed his head into Michael's neck and wrapped his arms around him. Michael hugged him back just as tightly and kissed his forehead "I love you too you weirdo, what's up?" He said as Luke still hadn't let go of him. Luke stared straight up at him. " I still have nightmares about you leaving" as soon as he said that Michael's heart ached but he also noticed Matt standing in the background filming them which confused him it he didn't focus too much on that and rather on his boyfriend in his arms. "I'm not going anywhere unless you want me too" Michael replied pulling him tighter. "That's the thing Michael I know you won't I already know the answer to this question but I'm still gonna ask you" Luke said separating himself from Michael and slipping something out of his pocket before sinking to the ground on on knee. "Michael Clifford you're my soulmate the reason I know why color the sunset is the reason I can look into the crowd and see the colors of the audience" Luke continued while slowly opening the box and holding it up to Michael. "Michael will you marry me" Luke asked.

His heart suddenly spead up nerves going haywire but he watched as Michael nodded his head. "I would be honored" 

"The fires used to burn out right away but now I know you'll keep the flame awake" Luke sang along to his bands song playing over the radio as he was cooking dinner in the kitchen. It was five years later and he was Luke Clifford. Finally 100% with Michael. "Is that daddy I hear?" He heard a familiar voice say and another precious voice giggle in response. A few minutes later Michael walked into the kitchen with their daughter Molly in tale. Taking a break to kiss his husband he turned and scooped up Molly in his arms. "Hey princess how was school?" He asked giving her a quick Eskimo kiss before setting her down again. "It was good dad we learned about the alphabet again though" molly said. Michael laughed at this. "You're in kindergarten that's what they're supposed to teach you" Luke said patiently in response. "But it's so boring I already know up to G " 

"I don't know sunshine something tells me there's a lot more letters out there" Michael said laughing. "I'm gonna go play now" molly said skipping off into the living room. Michael laughed as soon as she was gone "that girl certainly is something" he said. Luke laughed in response "reminds me of a certain someone" he said looking at Michael. 

Michael shook his head at his sappy husband before pulling him in for a kiss this one slightly more passionate and heated then the last but still just as important all the same. "How was work? Didn't you write with a band called 5 seconds of summer today?" Luke asked Michael as he switched the radio off and and put the chicken he had been putting on trays into the oven. 

"They were ok talked a lot about your band as an inspiration, seemed like nice guys though" Michael said sitting at the counter and drumming his fingers absentmindedly. "That's cool speaking of which I think we're gonna end up either playing warped this summer or doing a European tour its between the two." Luke responded. 

"That's cool if you do Europe maybe me and molly could fly out to a London show or something and I could make it a little family vacation" Michael said in response pulling Luke closer to him so that he was hugging him. "That would be nice I could probably work that out if we do Europe" Luke answered kissing Michael's forehead. 

"I love you" Luke murmured as he did so and even though he knew the response it still made him happy to hear Michael say "I love you too"


End file.
